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Email Marketing Is Not Dead Yours Just Sucks
Think email is dead? Think again. Here's why your email marketing probably sucks, and how to fix it with The Cluck Norris Method.
Table of Contents
Email isn’t dead. It’s just being murdered by lazy marketers.
Let me tell you a story. A few years ago, I worked with a startup founder who had built an email list of 20,000 subscribers. That list was gold: warm leads, loyal fans, customers who had bought multiple times. But after switching to a new CRM, they started sending beautifully designed emails that read like press releases. Within three months, open rates dropped by 60%, and unsubscribe rates spiked.
The founder thought email was dying. Turns out, their voice had.
What brought them back? A plain, text campaign that started with, “I’ve been thinking about quitting.” It was raw. Real. It got replies. That one email led to $12,000 in course sales in under a week.
That’s what this article is about: reviving your email strategy and bringing it back with more punch, more personality, and a whole lot less BS.
Every few months, someone declares email marketing dead. Usually, it's right before they try to sell you a new social media growth course or some sparkly funnel hack. But let’s be real: email isn’t dead, your emails just suck.
The Cluck Norris Method doesn’t do sugarcoating. We do strategy. We do bold copy. We do results. So grab a seat, crack your knuckles, and let’s unpack why your open rates are flatter than a pancake at a bodybuilding contest, and what to do about it.
Reason #1: You’re Writing to Robots, Not Humans
Corporate tone. Bullet point blandness. Zero personality. If your emails read like the terms and conditions for a toaster, it’s no wonder they’re getting ghosted.
Fix it: Write like a real human. Or better yet, like a chicken with a headband who’s not afraid to ruffle feathers. Inject some voice. Start your email with a bold statement, a weird fact, or even a joke. If it sounds like you wrote it in a meeting room, rewrite it in a garage.
Bonus Tip: Steal from your own DMs and text messages. That’s your real voice. Use it. Want proof? Check the difference in vibe between your Slack messages and your newsletter drafts. One is alive. The other’s a corporate nap.
Reason #2: Your Subject Lines Scream “Ignore Me”
"This Week's Newsletter." "Company Updates Q2."
Trash. Delete. Gone.
Your subject line is your opening roundhouse kick. It has one job: get the open. If it doesn’t stop the scroll, you’re not in the inbox. You’re in the void.
Fix it: Use curiosity, contrast, and clarity. Be punchy. Be strange. Be honest. Try something like:
"This one email made $6,730", "Confessions of a failing funnel", "We messed up (but fixed it)"
Tools like CoSchedule Headline Analyzer or SendCheckIt can help tighten the punch.
Bonus Tip: A/B test at least three headlines for every email. Let data punch the final round. And track over time which styles resonate most. Your list has a personality; get to know it.
Reason #3: Your Emails Are Pretty... Useless
Pretty templates. Fancy graphics. Big images. No value.
If your email looks like a Pinterest board but says nothing, it’s a waste of pixels. People want substance. Utility. A reason to stay subscribed.
Fix it: Focus on the meat. Deliver one clear idea, one lesson, one actionable takeaway. Ditch the Canva collage. Show them how to win in 2 minutes or less. Use beehiiv or ConvertKit for cleaner, content-first layouts.
Pro Move: Add a plain text PS with the key value or CTA; it often outperforms the body.
Example: "PS, I used this exact tactic to boost reply rates by 40% in 3 days. Try it."
Reason #4: You’re Asking for Marriage on the First Date
Nobody wants to get pitched a $997 course in the second sentence. You wouldn’t propose on the first date, so stop doing it in your emails.
Fix it: Warm them up. Build trust. Offer value before asking for anything. Use a welcome series. Give them small wins, useful links, and a reason to keep opening.
You Should Try:
Day 1: Quick win or resource
Day 3: Story or transformation
Day 5: Light CTA (freebie or webinar)
Day 7: Hard CTA (buy, book, join)
Ninja Add-On: Use conditional logic to branch your welcome journey based on clicks. If someone clicks on “branding,” send them branding emails. If they click “funnels,” pivot. Don’t treat everyone like they want the same pitch.
Reason #5: You're Not Even Tracking the Right Stuff
If all you care about is open rate, you're flying blind. Especially post iOS updates, open rates are vanity metrics.
Fix it: Track click-through rate, reply rate, and conversion rate. These are the metrics that matter. Use UTM tags and Google Analytics to follow the trail. Tools like ActiveCampaign and HubSpot make this easy to automate and report.
Bonus Thought: Add a one-question poll. Every click is feedback gold. “What’s your #1 struggle right now?” is better than “Read more here.”
Reason #6: You’re Not Segmenting, You’re Spamming
Blasting the same message to your whole list is lazy. And dangerous.
Fix it: Segment based on behavior, engagement, or interest. Reward your clickers. Wake up your sleepers. Tools like MailerLite or Drip make this simple.
Savage Tip: Send your best stuff to your best openers. Let them lead the charge. If you’ve got 100 clickers and 2,000 ghosts, focus your love on the 100. That’s your tribe.
Reason #7: You Treat Your List Like a Billboard, Not a Community
No one wants a one-way street. Great email marketing feels like a conversation.
Fix it: Ask for replies. Start polls. Share stories. Encourage engagement. Email is personal; treat it like a two-way relationship.
Quick Win: Use one email a month for zero-pitch storytelling. Watch your reply rate climb. One founder we worked with got 72 replies from a plain-text story about why she almost quit her business. No graphics. Just the truth.
Bonus Section: The Cluck Norris Tactical Checklist
Here’s a rapid-fire list of what to fix before your next send:
Write your email like a real human (or a feathered legend)
Start with a subject line that punches
One clear CTA, not five
Mobile preview matters, check it
Use your PS to drive a key message
Test plain-text vs. design-heavy formats
Segment by interest and behavior
Measure clicks, not opens, encourage replies and conversations
Stop writing like it’s 2012
Tape it to your desk. No excuses.
The Cluck Norris Closing Combo
Let me leave you with this:
Last month, one of our readers forwarded a Cluck Norris welcome email to his team with one sentence, “This is what email should feel like.” No fancy HTML, no over-designed layout, just a bold hook, a story that mattered, and a punchy call to action.
That forward turned into five booked strategy calls and one new client. That’s the power of doing email right.
Email isn’t dead. It’s just been disrespected.
Fix your subject lines. Cut the fluff. Write like a savage.
Segment smarter. Track deeper. Engage like a human.
And when in doubt, ask yourself: would you read this email?
Because if the answer’s no... then your reader sure as cluck won’t either.
Stay savage. Stay strategic.